Talk to me, please

It's almost 1am , and I am wide awake. Tried sleeping but ended up wetting my pillow with my non stop streaming of tears. This seems to be a trend lately. I blamed  it on my lady-hormones at first, as evident by my period now (okay, too much info, my bad.), but then it mainly is the loneliness that I've been feeling of late. Yup.I feel lonely.Never felt lonelier.Not even when I was literally alone. 

Lately, there hasn't been much talking going on. The kind that used to be during the 7 years of our courtship, the kind during the first year of our marriage. There used to be ample things to talk about & silly things to laugh about. Somehow all those just stopped after baby came. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby to bits and I'm not blaming him for any of these. 

We used to talk about work, family, movies, almost anything and everything under the sun. But then suddenly there's nothing to talk? Well I do have loads of things to talk about, being a chatterbox myself. But he somehow doesn't show any interest anymore. He goes to work, comes back in the evening, takes a nap, works out & has dinner. In between these, its FB or watsapp. When I talk, he;s either engrossed with whatever that's on TV,FB or Watsapp. It ends up in me repeating whatever I say (of course minus the initial enthusiasm). Either that or I get a Blah response. I haven't hated technology and social media this much before. Its like I'm competing with another chic for attention. This has ended up in me not saying much because I am seriously sick of repeating myself.

As I was busy crying my eyes out the past few nights (unnoticed of course), a few possible reasons for these changes struck me:

1. The one & only meal we share together is in front of the TV. Do not underestimate the importance of having dinner together, on the dining table. Ever wondered why our elders had always made a big fuss when we wanted to watch TV & have dinner? Well, I for sure know now. Having a meal together is a great way to bond with your loved ones, exchanging what events had transpired throughout the day etc. Prior to marriage, we would have at least a meal together in a restaurant.Him, me and no TV.So, we were forced to talk. After marriage, we had lunch together with mutual friends on most days & dinner was either eaten out, just the both of us & if I cooked, we had dinner together at home, on the dining table. These days, its us eating side by side, eyes glued onto the TV. 

2. I'm not working at the moment. I'm still on my confinement leave. Looking back, I guess previously I was the initiator of most conversations, always having some story from work to share and that probably triggered him to share his stories. Lately, all I have to share is either baby's routine or an occasional gossip when mom calls. That too has reduced because as I said earlier, I'm sick of repeating myself.

3. He has lost interest. I hope not. I couldn't have possibly bored him just a year into marriage, right? I have to admit that I'm a nag at times but most wives are, aren't they?

4. Lastly, the most dreaded: There is someone else? Let not even get there. Because I seriously wouldn't know how to cope, Should I say 'Fuck off' & walk away or should I stay for the sake of baby? I don't know.

Of course the best way to deal with things is to talk about it, ironically. I had tried conveying my feelings once by text. I had a meltdown when he was at work. I was exhausted & baby was throwing a tantrum. I told how upset & lonely I felt. His reply was promising, with a sorry & even suggested to take care for baby during the weekend and for me to go out with mum. Well I did & I think it was a mistake. I was feeling lonely mostly because him & I were not communicating enough, not because I wasn't out enough. 

I truly miss the days when we could just talk & talk & talk. I dread the end of weekends because that means he will be going to work the next morning, & I will be alone with baby at home, back to my same routine. I wait excitedly for him to return in the evenings, only to be disappointed by his lack of interest to talk. I miss the nights we would just lay in bed & talk till we fell asleep. I miss talking to him.

 The way things are right now, I'm afraid my marriage will go downhill. I'm afraid my loneliness turns into depression and I end up hurting myself. How can two people with so much in common suddenly start drifting apart and eventually become strangers?
How is it that I look at this as a problem &  feel so depressed, crying myself to sleep every other night but  it doesn't seem to bother him at all? Am I being paranoid? Am I over-analyzing things? Will things change for the better? I don't know, only time can tell.

Lets summarize 5 years

Well, well ,well... it has been, let me see, FIVE YEARS since I last blogged! Can  you believe it? FIVE freaking years!!

Well let me tell you, A LOT has happened over these five years. Soon after my last post, I started housemanship in a recognised hospital close to home. I have to say that housemanship was pretty challenging but in a good way. I learnt many things during those two years. Life was so much nicer as I got to stay with my parents and my then boyfriend (and now husband) was posted to the same hospital!

During my final posting during housemanship, in December 2011, we got engaged. It was a rather grand event held at my parents' home. Oh, and I think I looked my thinnest then (yup, I'm still obsessed with my weight)

Upon completion of my housemanship, my fiance & I were posted to another hospital, also close to my home. We were lucky as we both got into departments of our choice. It had been two years plus now since we have been working there.

In July 2012, we got legally married. Our traditional wedding ceremony was on November the same year.I got pregnant in March the following year and went to Maldives for our Babymoon in June.

I delivered a healthy baby boy in December 2013.(I'll have a separate post on my pregnancy and delivery.) 

As of now, I am in my final month of my confinement leave. As I got used to managing my time & juggling between  caring for my baby and doing my daily chores, I started becoming bored, like really, really bored and lonely as it was the same routine day in day out & hubby went to work. I was so frustrated as I felt that hubby & I no longer spoke like how we used to. Feeling like I needed a place to vent out my frustarations, I suddenly remembered by blog! Yup the one I last wrote on when I was in medical school. Reading my previous posts definately brought back memories & a few tears. I couldn't even remember some of the things that had happened! Anyway, after finally finding the page, I encountered problems logging in as my email account which I used 5 years ago had been spammed. I somehow, miraculously managed to retrieve my account &  here I am summarising my life events which occured over the last 5 years.

One thing is for sure, I'm not going to abandoned my blog the way I did before. Now with baby around, I'll definately have more things to blog about.

P/s: I'm not sure why, but I suddenly feel so much love for hubby. Must be the effect of reading the post on our fight (which I seriously can't recall) & how we made up after that. (Who knew a 70 cents coffee was all that we needed post fight. True love & simplicity.)