TILL NOW..

It has been ages since I blogged. So long ago, that I actually forgot how to get about writing one. I had forgotten my sign-in name and after a few random guesses, I finally managed to sign-in. Not to mention, I also created a new account in the process. 'Sonia' if you are reading this, I'm sure you'll be laughing. Made me feel like an old lady on a computer =/

Well, lets see wat had happened over this past month.

1. Final exams

Thinking back, the exams seemed ok. But I was scared shit after my long case was over.I had a hyperactive kid who ran out during my examination. Worse still, my main examiner wasn't exactly someone I adored and I never bothered hiding my dislike towards her during classes. Boy, did I regret not hiding my ego and just sucking up to her before. It didn't help that she kept denying my findings, and I also found out that she failed many of the juniors. Nevertheless, I told myself that I've put in my best efforts preparing for the exam and had definately done my part as a student. I left the rest to fate. Short cases were much better, despite having Dr.K as one of my examiner. He was such a darling.

A few days later, the results were out. We waited the whole day, but it came out only at night, around 9 or 10. Server down it seems. I spent the whole day waiting outside my hostel, taking breaks for lunch and dinner, but it was worthwhile when I saw a PASS next to my name. I called my parents and brother to share the good news. Everyone was so happy. Only then did I start packing my things. I didn't dare pack before the results were out, incase I failed. Till today, I can't believe the confidence that some of my batch mates had. They had packed and loaded their things in their car AND settled the hostel evacuation paperwork before the results were out!!

2. Deepavali Deepavali was the same as every other year. It, as usual involved lots of eating, going to my eldest uncle's house and watching a tamil movie in the cinema. Prior to Deepavali, I had gotten my hair coloured and a pedicure done. Deepavali also resulted in weight gain. =(

3. The rest of the holiday till now

Boring, boring and boring. Everyday, I wake between 1030 to 1130 am, have breakfast, watch tv, have a nap, exercise and more tv. Except for the few days that I had to go shopping or get my medical check up done, everyday is the same.

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Well, thats all for now. Will definately update my blog if there is some change in my routine. Hopefully the next time I don't forget how to sign-in. =/

Guilt, Secondary To An Unproductive Day

I feel so guilty. I feel that I did not acheive anything today. And that's not good, especially when finals are around the corner.

I slept at 3 am last night. I studied, after chatting with an old fried for an hour plus. Its surprising how your guy friends suddenly become so friendly when they see a recent picture of you looking good. The compliments that they give, the efforts to chat with you. Thing weren't the same 5 years ago, when I was fat.

I still feel fat. I'm obssessed about my weight and appearance. I think I have a psychiatric disorder. I hate being so freaking obssessed about my weight, but I can't help it. Its just there, constantly in my mind.

It doesn't help that my appetite has been increasing over the past few weeks. I fear that I'll end up being like what I was previously. I definately wouldn't want that to happen, not after getting a feel of being 10 kgs lighter, along with all those compliments. No, that's not happening for sure. I'll control my food intake tomorrow onwards.Promise.

Back to topic. I planned on waking up at 930 am today, to start studying early. The stupid fire alarm went off at 9am. I initially thought that it was a false alarm, as usual. But, it went on for so long that I started thinking 'what if there really is a fire?' I walked to end of the corridor in my pyjamas, still half asleep to look out and see if the fire brigade was there. Nope.

I went back to my room, emptied my bladder, and went back to sleep. I woke up at 1130am. Started my day feeling guilty. I hate that. I cursed myself for not showering at 930am itself. I had breakfast. did my laundry, showered and started studying. Also watched a movie part by part in between all these.

Slept again at 345. Woke up at 445 and went to gym. Great workout. Came back and showered, had dinner, continued watching the movie, then facebooked for sometime. Felt guilty, so I started studying again.

Couldn't concentrate. Feeling depressed, guilty.

So, here I am, blogging. I always feel better after blogging. Its like venting out your frustrations. Makes m heart lighter and my mind clearer.

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better, more productive day.

Love you, Papa!

I can't wait to get home to celebrate Father's Day!

I don't tell you this often,

And I don't speak to you often,

But what I want you to know is that I love loads, Papa.

Without you, I wouldn't be where I am today,

You showed me patience, something that I could never learn (:p),

You showed me the importance of being responsible,

And most of all,

You showed me love.

Hope you have a happy Father's day, Papa.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

At around 8pm yesterday, an sms war broke. The issues were pretty much the same as the previous ones. However, after aproximately 2 hours of the sms war, both parties decided to end the war and reconcile.

A war every now and then is healthy for any relationship isn't it? It gives you the opportunity to tell each other what is it that you're unhappy about, so that the other party makes an effort to change. For the best of both of them and the future of their relationship.

It also makes you realise why you fell in love with each other in the first place. And how lucky you are to have each other.

The reconciliation was celebrated with a cup of 70-cents coffee each and some catching up with whatever that took place during that 50 hours of silence.

*~* And they lived happily ever after *~*

Silence

***As of now it has been 42 hours***

*~* the picture pretty much describes my affect.depressed.*~*

*~* don't know where this whole thing is gonna lead me to*~*

*~*but everything happens for a reason, right?*~*

School Girl Crush

I went out for dinner with my friends A & B today. B is back for a 2 month break and we haven't met for about a year. We decided to go to Wok & Pan, for their famous pork chop.

A few minutes after we arrived, 2 doctors who were previously our seniors arrived. And a few minutes later, my heart skipped a beat and was then followed by palpitations. Dr Bear was walking in. B also found him cute and to my horror, she went to the same college as him! I was so freaking green with envy that you would've confused me with a drape cloth!!

As he was walking out for a smoke (yup, he smokes. Its supposed to be a major turn off, but he's so adorable that I'm shuttin both eyes), he stops at our table and speaks to B. He was like 'How can I forget you' and all that bullshit. I was turning greener by the second. B was beaming. But he did smile at me though.

We stayed a while even after finishing our food (I had a yummy pork chop, B had Cordon Bleu and A had fish with almonds), just to watch him. He was so adorable to watch. *sigh* I'm melting again.

We left for dessert. I pestered B to say goodbye to him but she refused. She regretted when we were in the car. We purposely drove past the restaurant twice. Oh my God, we sound like stalkers don't we. *laugh* Well, we couldn't help it.

B managed to get his number from a friend of hers. Such a small world, everyone seems to know everyone else. She text-ed him, but his replies were such a turn off. Not much of a text person it seems.

We went to Secret Recipe for dessert, both of us hoping that he would turn up there too, but to our disappointment, he did not. We finished our dessert and left. I felt like throwing up by then. My cake tasted funny. Or maybe I was just to full.

I had a great night. Despite behaving like a school girl with a silly crush. Worse still, despite having a boyfriend *evil laugh*.

I Am Who I Am

What exactly is your problem? Do you by any chance expect me to dance according to your whims & fancies? Because if you are, I am so sorry, but you are going to be disappointed, again. I thought you knew me well enough. I would have been that exact person you wanted me to be, totally devoted, placing you top most, but you had that changed.

I was that person a couple of years back. Willing to do anything for you, takin the initiative with things, prioritizing you. I got tired. I got tired not being your number 1, not even your number 2. I got tired of getting hurt. And thats when the tables turned. Thats when you knew what it felt like not being bothered about.

I'm sorry to say this, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot be that same person I was. That same naive, desperate-to-please you person.Because even now, I'm still not your number 1. I fall way down in your list.

I will never forget the many occasions when I was ditched for your friends, up till today. And it angers me most when you come to me after all the fun is over with them and expect me to make time for you, saying that you want to spend some fucking quality time with me.

Do you actually expect me to run to you like a lovelorn puppy? Hell no! I may not have friends, but that doesn't make me a lifeless loser. And don't make it look like I'm the bitch just because I don't nod my head like a freaking puppet each time you want to spend some so-called quality time.

I heard you calling me a 'selfish bitch / selfish piece of shit' today. That hurt me so much. But you know what? I don't give a fucking rat's ass anymore. I am who I am. And you had a big part in making me who I am. So, either live with it or feel free to walk the fuck off, because I deserve better.

Bears & Burgers

I forgot to make a mention on Mr bear. Mr bear is a doctor in the obg department. I used to find him cute in a bear-ish kinda way when we were in the surgery department.

Then one day, *sonia(not her real name) told me to get her something from the hospital bakery while she saved us both a place.

That's when he walks in.

And I was holding a burger wrapped in cling-wrap. I dont know why, but I not want him to see me holding the burger.

I held it low, and was screaming in my mind 'Its not for me!!'.

Thanks Sonia.

I hope he didn't see me holding the burger.

He Brightened Up My Monday Morning Blues In The Evening

Today was pretty much how a Monday morning should be...F***ked up. I woke up not wanting to attend classes, but eventually decided to as I might have to present a case, and also because by the time I weighed the pros & cons, I was pretty much wide awake.

I ended up leavin a l'il late, and was in a real snappy mood, snapping at my friend and pulling a long face for being late. As I was attending the hospital rounds, Dr.S had asked us a question, and we couldn't provide him with an answer. He asked us where our books were & told us to get books. You see, I don't really see the logic of carrying a textbook to the hospital as it is inconvenient to carry it around, & secondly, we don't have time to read in the hospital! I somehow managed to get a textbook from a friend of mine who was in another ward. Dr.S then asked me if the book was mine. I was honest and said it wasn't and even explained why I don't carry one. He totally annoyed me by sayin something like this 'Do you think your pretty face will help you pass your exams?'. Well, for a moment I did feel flattered, you know, but then again, it made me feel like a total bimbo!! Rounds continued with him asking me questions every now and then, and obviously I couldn't answer.

Following rounds, I was told to help someone in my group to clerk a case for presentation as his partner was absent. I was so freaking annoyed. I hate going out of my way just because someone else is irresponsible enough to be absent on their day for presentation. Grumbling, I went to help him, and to my surprise, it didn't turn out that bad. Next, came the presentation. Dr.S was there again and once again I got it from him. I had answered his question and then misunderstood his following statement, and thus, annoyed him. This time, he asked if I was planning to practice medicine in Kazakhstan. Irritant!

I was glad that the clinical sessions was finally over for the day, and headed to the gym. As I was filling my water bottle at the water cooler, I paced in front of the gym entrance. Then suddenly, a guy opens the door from inside and asks :

Guy (G) : Excuse me, do you wanna come in?

Me (m) : Err yeah..in a while.

G : (puzzled look).Oh, ok. I saw you walking, so i thought you wanted to come in.

M : Thanks(big smile). I'll leave the door open. I'll be coming in awhile.

I filled my bottle up and went in the gym. Smiling inside. Suddenly, all the frustrations in me vanished. I felt happy. And just because of a kind, thoughtful and sweet gesture by someone whom I've never even spoken to.

I Was Supposed To Be In The Library

Yesterday, i was SUPPOSED to go to the library & study. However, I had to help a friend of mine to collect her laundry. Thus, I waited for the laundry-man.For, (get this) 45 minutes!! And guess what (get this again) he DID NOT bring her clothes!!!

My mood was totally spoiled and I felt a little rebellious suddenly. So instead of heading to the library, my boyfriend & I went to the mall. There, I ate a burger, potato wedges, an ice cream cone & two muffins. Surprisingly enough, I did not feel the tiniest bit of guilt. I felt good instead!

I also got myself black nail polish. I went home, painted my toenails, watched a movie and slept.

So much, for planning to go to the library.

Broke

I am broke and I hate it. Being broke makes me feel depressed and irresponsible. I feel guilty asking mommy and papa for more cash. I hate having to stop and think before I get something. I hate the fact that I had been careless with money this past one month. I hate being broke. I hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

Is It The End Of The Popcorn Crave?

I developed a crave for popcorn a few months ago. I would suddenly develop a bout of craving and think about its delicious smell that can instantly elevate my mood, and the taste of the warm caramel in my mouth. No, I am not preggers.

Ever since I developed an undying love for popcorn, I have become a loyal customer at the cinema confectionary counter, buying a large popcorn and 'sharing' it with my boyfriend ( to alleviate the guilt of finishing it alone ).

Today however, I made what I consider the biggest mistake in my life (overdramatisation). I purchased a pack of popcorn from the hospital bakery. It did look a little promising, with the 'caramel' coating almost every inch of the popcorn.But to my horror, the 'caramel' which was supposed to be sweet, tasted bitter, burnt and salty!! I had managed to finish the whole pack as I dislike wasting food. But by the time I finished the last of the popcorn, I realised that my craving for popcorn and my undying love for it had diminished too.

But I believe that such an intense love cannot be lost by just one bad experience. So, I'm going to give myself a few days to 'heal' from this bad experience and revive my love for popcorn.

BAD LUCK vs GOOD LUCK

I used to wonder if luck even existed. But over the years,I have learnt to realise that, yes, it does exist. I have come across so many people over these past few years who just seem to have things their way. And mind you, rather effortlessly. They somehow seem to get away with being irresponsible, lazy and what not. Me on the other hand, have always been on the lowest end of the luck-o-meter(confirmed by a friend who read my palm). Any small attempt I have made at getting away has failed miserably. It just adds on to my frustration of getting caught, when I catch a glimpse of the triumph on the faces of these 'lucky' people ( yes,they got away with it again ).

Something similar happened today. I had decided to bunk class. Well, many have been doing it over last 2 weeks and have gotten away with it. So, i should get away with it too, right? WRONG! Apparently it was found out that i wasn't present and i was about to lose my attendance. I blamed my luck as usual and went for class in the afternoon with anger and annoyance. However, after confronting the person in-charge ( who is also one of the 'lucky' ones ), i did manage to get attendance. So maybe, just maybe my luck is climbing on the luck-o-meter? i certainly hope so!